Changing of the Winds

                   

I love this quote because some of the truth that lies within it. We all have our great days, but there are some not so good days where we feel our worlds are crashing down on us. 

Sandhill Park Trail

Today was a good day within a long, exhausting week. I woke up at dawn to workout and get to my early morning ultrasound. I didn't get the message, but my appt was rescheduled for later in the morning, so I had to kill some time. 

I went for a walk on the Sandhill Park trail south of the hospital. There was a strong, cool breeze, but it felt good after a week of high temps. It gave me a 1-mile workout and time to reflect on the week and approaching appt. 

The anticipation of what my doctor would say was killing me. The same old questions lingered in my head, but what I really wanted to know was if we missed ovulation. I needed to know if the egg was full grown, or if it was going to peter out and cause us to wait yet another month.  

The cold air made me think of autumn, my favorite season. I am no where near ready for the fall, I am enjoying summer thoroughly, but something about today got me excited about autumn. The changing of the colors, the falling of the leaves, the crisp autumn smell lingering in the air... and the chaos of my first school year. Something about the way the wind was blowing made me believe it was time for change. The change in the weather is not the only change I believe will happen. I am feeling very positive about my egg and the conception of our baby. A

Benefis East Campus

At the end of my walk, I stopped to enjoy the view. It wasn't the prettiest of views, but I found myself staring at the hospital. I daydreamed of good things to come, and the feeling kept getting stronger. I wanted to believe the appt was going to be a good one.

Eleven o'clock rolled around and it was time for the ultrasound to see if my egg was ready. A sub-nurse (is that was the substitute is called who filled in for my normal nurse...?) came in and we went over my chart.. Am I using the same prescriptions? Yes.... Family history still the same? Yes.... Have you ever smoked? No.... etc, etc.

Then I undressed waste down, sat on the bed, and within 5 minutes, my doctor arrived. She was in a rush because it was her actually her hospital procedure/surgery day, so she was in the building across the street. As she prepared the ultrasound, I felt relieved. Not tense, like every other time I came in. As she looked at the screen, her face lit up and she smiled. You will be ready on Monday. There is a chance the egg may peter out still, but right now it is a size 18. You will be ready then. When she finally gave me assurance that Monday would be the day and I wouldn't have to come back this month, I smiled. No more driving back and forth, for now. She seems optimistic that we can try for Monday and cross our fingers and pray that this will work.

She gave me an injection to take on Sunday that will help my egg come to full maturity and drop and be ready for us on Monday.

I woke up this morning feeling anxious for today, and the walk I took helped me see that things will be okay. I can be happy with how things are going. Times change, and with them, people do, too. I am optimistic that the change of the winds will bring good things to us. If they don't, I know I will need to move on, but for now, I will hold on tight and wait for the winds to direct me.

True Brew near Central make amazing coffees. Today's coffee was one
 I shouldn't have had because of its high calories, but I drank only 
10 of the 20 oz, and I felt like today was an espresso day. 

The Waiting Room

Sitting in the waiting room of your OBGYN can be a nail-biting experience. Worrying about what news you will get after you walk with the nurse to the other side of the door. Asking yourself the same questions every time:

 "Is this it?"    ||    "Am I pregnant?"    ||    "Do we have a chance?"    ||   "What are the test results?"    ||    "Can I stop driving 190 miles every day, once a week, each month, now?"

 The waiting room experience is usually the same:  Check in with the reception.... Smile politely and say "yes, I still have the same insurance that really doesn't cover any of this doctor visit..." and I smile and nod when she looks up and asks "Are you here for another ultrasound?" Then I sit down with my 48 oz. of water and watch the Price is Right with my legs (& Fingers) crossed. As the contestants leap for joy because they won a new car or trip to the Grand Caymans, my stomach tosses and turns as the worrying sets in.



I think about the ultrasound and wonder if it will show that my cysts have actually gotten smaller or, better yet, disappeared without a trace. Will it show that my estrogen levels are higher and my eggs are increasing in size? Are we actually going to do this thing?

All of these are worries of every woman with PCOS.

Bodies of women with PCOS were made differently than those with normal ovaries. It's true. Our bodies will face struggles and challenges when trying to maintain a healthy body weight to get pregnant. Its about making healthy eating choices and exercising consistently to overcome those struggles and fight the PCOS.

I have been "overweight" all my life. Doctors always insisted that I am not overweight. They use their little handy body fat calipers to show me how there is no real worry. "You are just very muscular and big boned" they say. I agree that I am not as fat as I could be, but I know my midsection needs a lot of help. I try so hard not to stress about my size and maintain healthy nutrition. When I stress, I tend to rely on food to make me feel better. All of this time, I thought I would never be able to get rid of my midsection, and then I found out that the fat resting on my hips and waist were a result of PCOS. The foods I ate fed the cysts on my ovaries and just exercising wasn't enough. I needed to eat right, too. I can do this!

It wasn't until I saw a lady in the waiting room today. She was about 8 months pregnant and at least 300 lbs. All I could think was if I get pregnant, I didn't want to be her. She looked unhealthy and very unhappy. I didn't know her story, how she got to where she was, but I knew I didn't want to be her. Granted, being pregnant makes maintaining body figures difficult, pregnant women still need to make healthy choices and try to gain healthy weight for the baby. Eating right and exercising is still possible when you are 7-8 months along, right ladies? Easier said than done, and I am not saying be a hard core fitness freak when you're this far along, but I need to eat plenty of protein, veggies, and fruits to get the nutrients. I only hope that I can be strong enough to make these smart decisions if I get pregnant.

The waiting room is designed for thoughts like these. You have just enough time to think about what will go on behind those doors and time to reflect on the choices we've made to be healthy. It was today when I decided that I have to go all in with my PCOS diet and exercise if I want be the person I dream of. Even if its without a child, I want my life to be a happy and healthy one.

A Break from the Real World: No worries, no problems...

This week C did his best to keep my thoughts preoccupied from all the doctor appts. He did amazingly and I had a blast. Each day before I had to go to work, we went fishing. I hooked three fish with my new fly rod (they got off before I could get them in, but it was a blast) and I got an amazing upper body workout three days in a row using my awesome pontoon boat I received as a birthday present last year.

I am so blessed to call Montana my home ♡ The beautiful Marias River and Lake Elwell are only 18 miles away, the breathtaking Sweet Grass Hills are 30 miles away, and my house sits on 4 acres of wilderness on the edge of town.

        

My backyard is one of my favorite places to be in the summertime. Trees, flowers, two ponds, with plenty of ducks, geese, and their babies to watch and photograph.

My week has been pretty good and I am "patiently" waiting to get through this week's appointments. The appointments are hard to swallow, I spend each day driving 96 miles to the hospital (which gives me time to freak out, hope, and pray for answers) and 96 miles of driving back home (which gives me time to think about the results and get motivated to move forward to the next appt). It's hard, but I really am glad I have that time to myself to reflect (unless C has a day off and comes with me, then we can talk ♡) 


All in all, I want to say how thankful I am to live in a state where I can capture memories with my husband. We both enjoy fishing, hiking, photography, and taking in the few of our backyard. I am lucky to have a husband who loves adventure and supports it by getting me out there.

Parsell Pond located north of the Sweet Grass Hills    ||    photo taken by Ally Jones

PCOS: The drag-down and the comeback

It has been a rough and trying year, and I know we all do our fair share of complaining, but I feel like I have been complaining enough for everyone. I luckily have the greatest husband, who also does his fair share of complaining (sorry C it's true!), and he has been incredibly patient as we go through week-long appointments every month to conceive a baby.

Looking back on our marriage, we have been in and out of hospitals since our first date in 2008 (in sickness & in health, right???). I would love a year that didn't result in some new diagnosis and hospital/clinic visits that didn't result in maxing out our "out-of-pocket" expenses for insurance(a few grand per person adds up ya know).

This year I finally graduated from college at Montana State University-Northern and earned my degree in Elementary Education/English 5-12.

C and I on graduation day at Northern || this is love ❤

With that being said, money has been tight for 3 years, as expected, but it was harder than imagined. I thought if we can get through 3 years of being flat broke and going in and out of the hospital for most our marriage, we can get through anything. 

this will be my tattoo someday

 But then I was diagnosed with PCOS in January while we were trying to get pregnant. Each month my anticipation caused stress, stress caused overeating, and my motivation went out the window. I was trying to get through student teaching, juggle the bills, keep my marriage happy, and figure out how to manage it all without killing my chances at getting pregnant. Stress is very hard on the body, but more so when you are trying to get pregnant, and worse when you have PCOS. When we get stressed, we can get upset, and I take most of that out on my husband. In this time, the 25 lbs worked hard to lose came back and with it 10 extra pounds. The extra weight triggered my degenerative disc disease and when I graduated I spent nearly a month trying to recuperate. My health started to get worse. I felt bloated all the time, nothing fit, my energy lacked, and I was unhappy around the clock. I was seeing all of my friends progress and losing weight, and some of them were even getting pregnant. I just wanted what they were getting, results. And envy in itself is just as unhealthy as weight gain.

photo from www.buzzquotes.com

We were supposed to own this year. Rock it! You know? The one where we pay back all we owe, lose more weight to be happier and healthier, and get out house in order to sell. We both owe more and weigh more  than we did in January (stress affected him, too. What I ate, he ate...), and we were never able to sell our house and move to a new location. We want change somewhere in our life.

Needless to say, I really want something to go positive and stay there, so I am preparing for a comeback. I need to take my PCOS seriously if I want to even think about getting pregnant or to live without diabetes. It really affects your health in more ways than people can understand. With the road I have been taking this year, diabetes is just around the corner. I have been researching a lot on PCOS fitness and diets: reading blogs, following pages on Pinterest, asking my doctors (who honestly only want to spend 15 minutes with me and shove me out the door, but that is another story...), and other sources within my home (medical journals, magazines, health books, etc). It's been quite a ride, and I figure if I am going to beat this, I can use social media to capture the adventure of this journey and get things out there.

We have been trying to get pregnant since 2010, and with all that has happened in years passed, it was been put on the back burner. I really need to make myself, my husband, and pregnancy major a priority this year. My goal is to find motivation and keep it if I want to enjoy the rest of my life. Even if we can't get pregnant, I want to enjoy all that I can with my husband to make our life together count.

....Stay tuned on more about PCOS and our journey through this.